Infertility Diaries

Christian womanhood is synonymous with wife and mother. 

This has been one of the hardest things to reconcile and one of the most hurtful things of this journey. When society and culture have implied that the ultimate form of a Christian womanhood is that of a wife and mother, it's hard to not believe God thinks less of you when you can't become that. 

Harrison Butker, in a part of his controversial graduation speech that was discussing women in the workforce in relation to his Christian faith, said, "I can tell you that my beautiful wife Isabelle would be the first to say that her life truly started when she began living her vocation as a wife and mother."

This one quote summarizes thousands from our society that directly imply the ultimate coming of a Christian woman to that of a parent in the way they would never do to a Christian father. It's difficult to put into words to accurately describe the gravity of how hard these things are for me to hear, reconcile, and to disconnect from God's true view of me that I know in my soul. When that voice feels so loud and I can't fulfill that, it feels impossible at times to separate that viewpoint from God's view of myself. And in my worst times, I'm extremely sensitive to even being at church in general even when it's a place these things aren't implied or taught, because it brings up these feelings from the past subconsciously. 

At my worst, I also feel extremely resentful that the hardest part of this journey has been the blow to my perception of my self-worth, and that my roots of that are directly from the church (as a whole). I sometimes feel resentful that for this reason, so many women experiencing infertility (both statically and who I know in real life), have left the church and their faith. What feels even harder is that no one seems to be talking about it; all while 1 in 6 couples experience infertility.