Infertility Diaries

I am stepping into IVF with my heart open and my mind centered. I have been brave and strong in the road that has led me to IVF, and I will remain brave and strong through the process of IVF. I hold onto the hope that this is the beginning of the journey that leads us to our future child, not just another chapter in our years of hardship. I believe that even if IVF is unsuccessful, I won’t regret our decision to do it. I have peace knowing that we are trying all of the methods available to us. Additionally, I embrace the hardship of IVF to strengthen me as a person regardless of the outcome.

I recognize my privilege to have the option to pursue IVF, both due to the advancement of technology and due to my financial privilege. I invite God into working through the advancements in technology to aid in conception. I am pursing IVF not out of place of desperation, but out of deep love, willingness, and openness to co-create life. I honor the complexity of this journey.

My identity is not attached to the outcome of IVF, nor is it attached to the last two years of my journey and the fact that I’m not a mother. I deserve dignity and respect as a childless woman in the same way as women who have children. If our baby is born though IVF, their life is not invalidated or defined by being conceived through IVF. If anything, I pray they know how badly they were wanted, and that we chose to go through immense pain just for the chance that we might get to meet them someday. I release myself from the pressure to control the outcome and root myself in the truth that God’s goodness is not tied to the results of IVF. I will continue to view my journey as restorative suffering and will continue to work through my questions about the role of God’s will.

My body is not broken because I require medical intervention to have a child. My body is wise, resilient, and worthy of care. My body and the lines my journey have left behind carry my story with a beautiful tenderness. Choosing intervention does not diminish my wholeness. I honor my body for all it has carried, and for what it may or may not carry in the future. My womanhood and personhood are not defined by the status of my womb.

I recognize the ethical concerns of IVF and know that I have put more thought and prayer into these concerns than most anyone else. I consider the opinions of those close to me, but in the end feel at peace with my decision to pursue IVF. I feel comfort in knowing that our decision is between Nick, myself, and God. I also recognize more than others that any path to having a child other than natural conception has significant ethical considerations whether it be IVF, adoption, or anything in between.

I will work hard to block out the voices of politicians, influencers, and well-meaning people whose extremely opinionated takes of IVF are often uninformed or detached from its reality. I will continue forward, grounded in the truth that while others are entitled to their own choices and beliefs, their opinions do not have to disturb my peace or sense of well-being. I give myself permission to be as open or as closed off as feels right in the moment regarding IVF due to these reasons. I recognize that no one deserves and explanation of our decision outside of God.

I recognize that IVF won’t fix my last two years of trauma. Even if our child is born though IVF, I have been molded by my last two years of experiences and will still need to find ways to healthily process those feelings. I am on a difficult journey I haven’t chosen, but it’s now my responsibility to choose to process through those feelings in the most restorative way possible.

I recognize that the IVF journey will be grueling, both physically and mentally. I will honor the boundaries I have worked to be comfortable setting in the last two years and will not feel shame in setting them when necessary. I recognize I will need support from those close to me during this time and will be bold is sharing what I need instead of assuming others can read my mind.

I am allowed to hope boldly. I am allowed to grieve honestly. I am allowed to live in the tension of both. I don’t need to find the silver lining in each instance of the journey. I don’t need to play 4-dimensional mental chess trying to figure out how each aspect of my journey fits into God’s will. I release myself from that pressure and boldly embrace the uncertainty of the future.

Our choice to pursue IVF has been made with intention, prayer, and purpose. I pray we have a peace that surpasses understanding, bravery for when the journey is hard, and for God to work through this hardship to reform us to be more in His image.