Infertility Diaries

For a while I felt a lot of guilt in your death. I felt like it was my one job to protect you, and I failed. I overanalyzed every action and things I ate and drank from when you were alive. Even after I knew there was nothing, I practically did that caused your death, I couldn’t help but feel like it was my fault, since my body was where you lived. Time has healed this wound more than anything, but it was the most raw and prominent emotion I felt when I first lost you.

This makes me consider the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). I think those stages in general have been true for me, but I think there has been a more specific order for this situation:

1. Guilt: I caused this.
2. Fight or flight: Moving to a new city make everything go away.
3. Anger: I need somewhere to deflect my pain.
4. Desperation: Getting pregnant again is the only thing that will cure this and I will go to unhealthy ends to make it happen as soon as possible.
5. Jealousy: I feel surrounded.
6. Depression: I can’t stop thinking about you and who you could have become. I want to sleep forever.
7. Loneliness: No one can relate and no one has time for me.
8. Connection: Finding people in similar situations who can understand the things I can’t yet put words to. Finding healing from those who aren’t in similar situations, but know and care for me deeply.
9. Acceptance: I don’t know why this is happening, but I can accept my lack of control and find peace I don’t have the power to change things. I can start to put words to my feelings.
10. Boundaries: I recognize that I’m a reasonable person, and that while others may not understand, I can prioritize my well-being on a situation by situation basis. I’m okay with being misunderstood. I recognize that I’ve experienced an extreme amount of trauma, and find some peace in believing I have handled it in a way better than most people would be able to. I feel deserving of the ability to protect my peace.
11. Bargaining of God’s divine providence: How active is God’s role in this? The answer fees like it carries a lot of weight.

I still feel all of these at times. It’s less of a check the box and move on, but more of a slow evolution with the occasional regression on hard days. Through hundreds of hours of processing and self-reflection, I feel proud of myself to be able to say I now live primarily in the 9 to 11 range. I’m excited to resolve #11, although it’s going to take a lot of work. I can’t accept simple answers that many offer. I have no idea what’s to come after #11, but I hope I can find even more peace there.