Infertility Diaries

What do you do with the lines on your body that don’t go away? Sometimes, there are the only reminder of what once was. When people forget and time continues to pass, it’s easy to feel like you were a fever dream. But the line on my stomach is daily proof that you were here. In some ways it’s symbolic. You’ve made a mark on me, physically and mentally that most people will never notice.

Sometimes I hate it though. It feels like the universe is rubbing it in my face when I have the daily reminder on my body that you once were living. You were very powerful, now that I think of it. You were so small, and here for such a short time, but made a permanent mark on my body and soul.

There are also times I love seeing it. It reminds me of you and the connection we had. In these times I think less of what could have been and more about what was, in a beautiful way. It’s then that I thank you for the impact you had on me and feel gratitude that I even got to experience your presence for a short time. I prayed for a miracle to save you, but what if the miracle was that I even got to know you at all?

…

Sometimes I feel like my body is failing me. It feels like something is broken in me that is not in others. Every single test and procedure comes back spotless. Then why are things not working? Many Christians around me often say in regards to pregnancy “God made your body to do this”. But what if he didn’t? Or did He in a general sense, but it doesn’t always work out in a perfect way due to the fall?

I think that comment really hurts me, because it implies that my body is outside of God’s control and design, or even worse that he intentionally made me to be broken. It makes me feel like I can’t fulfill the ultimate coming of Christian womanhood that is often heavily implied; being a mother.